Today will not be a happy post. Maybe you’ll find the gratitude and joy in it but I just can’t see it right now.
I’ve been thinking a lot about dying recently.
I have intrusive thoughts that whisper different ways I could kill myself.
It’s hard to live like this and sometimes I really want to listen to those whispers.
Today the whispers are talking in a firm tone, like a teacher would in a classroom.
“What is the point in going on? Your death would not make a huge impact here. The only way to fully escape this pain of depression is to leave.”
If you haven’t had thoughts like these before, just take a moment and sit in these dark thoughts. Imagine what it’s like, to not be able to control a constant illness of the brain.
I feel like I’m internally screaming all of the time, waiting for it to stop. Waiting for the thoughts to turn positive, but knowing that they probably won’t.
What’s worse is feeling like no one will understand or know how to help you. I want to reach out but the fear of not knowing how people will react is terrifying.
So now the question: should I stay or should I go?
if I leave: that’s it. the end. choosing to say that the rest of the story is not worth living out. cut off all emotional ties. no more suffering, stress, or pain. no more confusion. no more not knowing what the heck is wrong with your body or worrying that other people won’t understand me. no more trying or fighting. so often depression is described as a daily battle. it sucks. but if I decide to leave, no more sucking.
if I stay: the story continues. the plot line will twist and turn and flourish in ways that we can’t imagine. I will continue to have challenging times that make me question what we’re doing or why we’re here. I get to experience more life moments like, graduating, getting married, having kids, loving my job, being passionate about my people and my state. I can see people come and go into my life and then later on realize why they stayed or left. I can travel. Maybe not everywhere, but I will have seen much more than I already have. I can still plan things and love on the people here. I can still surprise people with flowers or tootsie rolls. I can write blog posts that people may or may not like. I can eat ice cream. and donuts. I could even eat them at the same time. I can kiss someone, maybe romantically, maybe just a little encouraging kiss on the forehead for a friend. I can still be creative and create little things or big things and share them with people – words, art, or music. you can still do music! see where the music takes you. I can still live with friends and build community and go to plays together. you can hear owen make funny sentences including the word(s) butt cheek.
overall, it will still be hard. but you have to take the good days and the bad days, that’s just how it works.
I hope you choose to stay.