This is my depression. I say “my depression” because everyone experiences it differently for different reasons.
Sometimes my brain feels like it’s filled with cogs and gears that were not greased well, so they jam and grind when you try to do normal people things. You become slower at things you were once good at. It’s a painful process and sometimes you don’t know how to fix it.
Sometimes my mind becomes clouded and consumed with thoughts that say, “What’s the point of anything?” I try my best to ignore the clouds and focus on something else or blow them away with words of truth, but sometimes they just stick around anyway.
Sometimes I feel like a giant sunflower that just can’t pick its head up because it’s so heavy. I droop, I drag. It feels like every ounce of energy has been sapped from my body. All I want to do is lay down. Just lay down and stare at nothing with a blank mind.
Sometimes I feel helpless. When my friend says, “Hey, ya know, you can fight this.” Thanks for the update, friend. Maybe I’ll just try harder next time and it will go away.
It sucks when you do ‘all of the right things’ but it can still pull you down.
Sometimes it’s isolating. I feel like the people around me just don’t understand what’s going on or how to help me. I don’t even know how to help me most of the time. It makes it harder to connect with people when you don’t think they’ll be able to empathize with you.
The gratitude and joy in all this? A small part of me hopes that if I come out the other side of this, I’ll be better able to empathize with people. Being understood is a powerful thing.
Our Father is great at redeeming broken, hurtful experiences and I believe that He sees this scattered mess and will help me to zoom out and see the beautiful collage He was crafting the entire time.
Until then, I’ll choose to keep on finding joy and being grateful throughout this mess of life.